The months since I last blogged have been filled with all kinds of events and happenings as well as more spiritual and mindful changes to my outlook on life.
I made a deliberate decision to pause blogging for a while. I needed to just ‘be’; to shift the focus from the intensity of what happened to see how I got on with life now that it had changed so much. I didn’t want to write about every thought, I was weary of it all… the attention, the intensity. Perhaps it was a delayed reaction to the shock, self-preservation? However, during this time, I kept a notebook with me for when I felt the need to record what I was thinking or feeling … some of which both surprised and shocked me.
I’ve had some interesting experiences and feel clearer in my mind about sharing them now in the hope that it might strike a chord with someone or help another person living with similar feelings. So I will post about forthcoming thoughts as well as reflect on some very raw feelings from this year.
As I type this, my tablet is resting on a rather large baby bump! That’s probably the most significant thing that has happened since Abi died. In July, I found out I was expecting a baby. To say we were excited would be wrong. It was something we wanted so very much, and it was true that we felt and still feel, blessed, but of course this news was laden heavily with past pregnancy experiences and the huge burden of grief felt for losing Abi. I would give anything to have her back. I would much rather our old life with her than this new one we are about to embark on. But of course that isn’t an option. In the main, we are so thankful that we have been given the chance to have another child, seeing as we’re no longer the young things we once were. And even though there is so much that we know can go wrong, somehow knowing that makes me think it can’t get much worse.
I’ve also realised that I stopped blogging when I fell pregnant… I expect that’s an unconscious decision once the hormones kicked in… I remember being so tired the first few months that all my energy was taken up with getting through each day and going to sleep as early as I could get away with. Now, as I near my time, I feel the tiredness taking over again, and with hormones and emotions to boot… the blogs might become a bit random!
So the latter half of 2013 was spent juggling a changing way of family life, getting back into running my business along with raging pregnancy hormones and dealing with the ever-changing grief and everything that goes with it. One thing is for sure… life has not been kind to us this year and it’s not something that changed with the turn of the clock at midnight on New Year’s Eve – to me, the months just follow one from the other. I have little enthusiam for the future, no drive to do better this year or live life to the fullest, etc. It’s just about trying to get through it in the best possible way and with some sanity (oh and sleep!).