Category Archives: Living and grieving

Sick with grief

No one ever told me that my grief would make me feel so ill. As they broke the news to us that Abi was going to die, I thought of only her, then our family… and everything about how we’d live without her. I was prepared – and expected – to feel depressed, but the physical...

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Should I take antidepressants for my grief?

Dear grieving mum, I’m sorry you’ve found my blog by searching with the keywords ‘antidepressants’ ‘grief’ ‘death of my child’… I’m truly sorry. Behind each of my posts, I see parents read my blog searching for the answer to this question because they are looking for some respite from the strain of coping with grief while...

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From cradle to grave

Today, I took my 9-year-old son to his football match. It’s normally Dad who does the football matches, but it had been almost a year since I’d seen my son play due to having the new baby and he asked if I’d go and watch him. He’s been appreciating some one-to-one time with me of...

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You don’t have to ‘get over’ your grief just because it’s Christmas

It’s no surprise that Christmas is a difficult time for the grieving. For us, the period begins with Abi’s birthday at the end of November, we then have the four weeks until Christmas and then New Year, followed not long afterwards by the anniversary of the time we lost her. Next February will be four...

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Guest post: Thoughts of loss and hope at Christmas

(Jo Powell kindly shared this moving reflection some years ago. Sadly, Jo died in April 2023. I still miss her joyful face and caring nature very much. She was a very special human.) I was pacing the landing with my teething baby at 3am last night and all I could think of was you. As...

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I can’t let go of my children’s toys!

We’ve been having a bit of a clear out, which we need to do fairly frequently with six of us in the house. Our boys’ bedroom had become very cluttered with toys, clothes, books and teddies. We tidied it up but decided that as the large buckets of teddies weren’t played with much at all...

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Remembering Abi on her 16th birthday 

Having just seen Abi’s 16th birthday come and go, I realised it never gets easier. This is her fourth birthday in heaven. Abi’s 13th birthday was ten months after she died, in 2013. It felt unbearable. She was so looking forward to becoming a teenager, she’d already been thinking about what she might do. We had...

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A letter to you on your sixteenth birthday 

I pause before even writing a word as the thought of you turning 16 in heaven breaks my heart all over again. I’m sorry sweetheart. I know you are safe, I feel that, but I feel so lost without you near me. You’re the one who is safe, I’m the one running scared. My mind...

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I should be organising your 16th birthday party

I’m at a loss. How do you ‘celebrate’ your child’s birthday when they are dead? I should be chasing around here and there, buying balloons, presents, sorting things out, baking an amazing cake. Instead I sit here and can only do these things in my head, while my stomach churns with longing and my eyes...

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The hypervigilant mumma – will I ever switch off?

So we’ve been a bit ill again. Jake’s been the worst hit this autumn. Normally a very healthy child, he’s had a chest infection, sickness and now another cold virus that has brought him out in itchy hives. On Saturday, I was home alone with Jake and Naomi. Daddy and Joe were at the football,...

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