Remembering Abi on her 16th birthday 

Having just seen Abi’s 16th birthday come and go, I realised it never gets easier. This is her fourth birthday in heaven. Abi’s 13th birthday was ten months after she died, in 2013. It felt unbearable. She was so looking forward to becoming a teenager, she’d already been thinking about what she might do. We had […]

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A letter to you on your sixteenth birthday 

I pause before even writing a word as the thought of you turning 16 in heaven breaks my heart all over again. I’m sorry sweetheart. I know you are safe, I feel that, but I feel so lost without you near me. You’re the one who is safe, I’m the one running scared. My mind […]

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I should be organising your 16th birthday party

I’m at a loss. How do you ‘celebrate’ your child’s birthday when they are dead? I should be chasing around here and there, buying balloons, presents, sorting things out, baking an amazing cake. Instead I sit here and can only do these things in my head, while my stomach churns with longing and my eyes […]

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Take me home – a pop song prayer

When trying to rebuild a life that’s been broken – it can feel like you’re grappling in the darkness, utterly alone, tired, afraid. Even the simplest routines go out of sync, the pace of life seems five steps faster than what we can manage. We’re barely breathing. Fear, grief, faith, hope all mingle into a mess that leaves us […]

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A picture of health

This is a picture of Abi and me on holiday in about 2011. I love the health and happiness radiating from BOTH of us in this picture. Of course, there was never any sign that Abi would have a brain haemorrhage two years later but what struck me when I saw this was not Abi particularly, […]

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Before and after our grief

My husband’s car is on its last legs. We need to start thinking about replacing it before we spend too much more on it. He’s put it off for far too long and spent too much money keeping it going, but I know he loves the car mostly because of the times he spent with […]

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A new way to mark the anniversary of our daughter’s death

Another year has rolled around since Abi was last here… on 6th February we were forced to remember the day she collapsed. On 10th February, we thought of the moment we sat by her bedside as the doctor turned off her life support and said goodbye. But mostly, we were reminded of the time when she was ‘ripped’ […]

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And then our world fell apart

Originally posted on Chasing dragonflies:
It is exactly a year ago today that Abi came downstairs looking pale and complained she felt really ill. Exactly a year since our world was turned upside down and inside out. I never really imagined what this day would be like, despite people telling me ‘all the anniversaries will…

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Abi’s Black Belt

On this day, two years ago, Abi fulfilled a four-year-long ambition… to earn her junior black belt in Kung Fu.

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The final prognosis

On the morning of Saturday, 9th February, we were allowed into PICU while the doctors did their formal assessment of Abi’s condition. We knew these were ‘last chance’ tests. Abi had been in a coma for over 48 hours. She’d shown very little response since her collapse other than coughing a couple of times and […]

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