It’s World Mental Health Day today, slap bang in the middle of Baby Loss Awareness Week. So I’ve been thinking of loss – physical loss, mental loss and biblical loss!
Of losing three pregnancies in my life, of the little beans that I didn’t get to meet. Of little Bella who we thought would bring more joy to our already happy home, which then turned into such a tragic story of baby and child loss. I’m pretty realistic when it comes to pregnancy. I know it doesn’t always go to plan, that if a pregnancy ends in the early days then it’s not meant to be, but it doesn’t make it any easier to have that hope taken away. It’s a physical and mental loss.
Then I think of my mental health which has been challenged beyond belief with lost babies and my daughter last year. I’m grieving the loss of them constantly but also the loss of me. I’m not who I was. I’m not sure who I am anymore. The things I thought were important to me aren’t important now. I’ve lost my carefree. I’ve lost the ability to laugh from the heart. I’ve lost the certainty of having all my happy, healthy children at home.
I think of all the people I’ve met who have lost too, and who are experiencing the after effects of loss right now, struggling to make sense of it, just as I do.
My post about how professional mental health care seems to have been reduced to a leaflet, leaving many people feeling hopeless and abandoned, stuck a chord with so many of you. We have lost that human touch, of giving people the understanding and support they need during some of the most difficult days of their lives. Our wonderful charities are what keeps us going, but not everyone can access even those. It shouldn’t be this way.
I’m always looking to the heavens. I see the signs shown to us all if we only just look. This week, I was caught in an expected thunder storm. A large black cloud blew over my daughter’s riding stables and threw down buckets of rain.
Yet all too soon the sun appeared again and I found I was stood under the most beautiful double rainbow. I was reminded of the story of Noah and, after the huge loss caused by the flood, cleansing the Earth, how God then sent a rainbow as a promise to us all that He will protect us, always.
And then I saw the amazing skies after the storm and considered that – without the terrible storm – I would not have seen this beauty. A small sign of hope after loss. Indeed, after my sad losses, I now have my own rainbow baby, who eases the pain in my heart a little more each day.
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What a beautiful post as ever. I can’t believe how many pregnancies you’ve been through, it’s no wonder you’ve lost yourself – a person can only take so much and each loss must chip away at you a bit more.
I was caught in the same storm – we were watching my son play football. Then I drove my daughter to her tap dance class and it had never felt so much like we would actually meet the end of the rainbow – it was so vivid. X
Thank you Sarah, I do try to look at it that without those lost babies I wouldn’t have my little rainbow now. And that was one heck of a storm wasn’t it! xxx
A lovely post! And how wonderful to be able to see the physical storm and rainbow as a reflection of what you’ve been through as well as sending you another sign of hope. Wishing you much love. xx
A beautiful post. I cannot imagine the pain of your losses, or indeed the affect it would have on you, in ‘losing’ yourself. I am in that ‘smugness’, though I guess that implies a little complacency, too, but I am aware of how very fortunate we are and how it can always change. I hope the pain continues to ease for you a little, each day. Thanks for sharing with #WotW x
A beautiful post. It’s a particularly poignant week to be reflecting on loss xxx WotW
Oh my goodness. I have just read your first post on here and had a bit of a weep. Obviously I don’t know you and I have never experienced loss like that but I can understand the absolute trauma of it and the miscarriages too. Your daughter was so beautiful. I’m glad the passing storm has given you some sense of solace. X #wotw
Thank you so much. I think reading blogs like mine is always hard and am always surprised people do – it’s much nicer to read about the fun stuff! But having lovely support is so helpful x
What a lovely analogy. The rainbow photograph is truly beautiful x
Such a touching post. It’s sad that people are allowed to become so lost when they are in need of that human support that you talked about. It’s like a growing realization of this problem and organizations like ours out there to fill that gap, but it really does feel like it’s not enough….. online isn’t enough, though its a start. You’ve summed up what a lot of us baby loss mamas have been thinking… Hopefully the more we push to make it more common to talk about the more impact we can make in reaching those people.
So happy that your rainbow baby has been of comfort to you, though we know and understand that the losses aren’t mitigated. Its beautiful that you are able to get at least a moment of happiness from the beauty in the world. 🙂