Clinging to hope

On the morning of Friday, 8th February, Abi had another CT scan – her first scan after the two operations. Taking her for this scan wasn’t a quick process for the care team; just to move her to the scanning room was a major task as all the equipment had to go with her. We […]

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Intensive care … is intense

Seeing your child in intensive care is a scary prospect, it’s not called ‘intensive’ for nothing! The machines are the first thing that you notice, but you know that every wire and machine is there for a very good reason so they become less daunting after a while. I almost got used to them, even […]

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Fight or flight… going to A&E

Picking up from my post on CPR (CPR – do you know how?), where I described the distress of Abi’s collapse, I thought I’d try to describe the panic I experienced during Abi’s transition to A&E, and how that changed to a numb acceptance that helped me deal with the hours of waiting that followed. […]

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Did puberty trigger my daughter’s death?

My middle daughter came home from school yesterday with a pretty box stuffed full of sanitary towels and tampons. They’d had the end-of-year talk about sex and periods. My daughter wasn’t fussed. She’s quite happy to wait to grow up and, while she knows periods will happen at some point, she’s in no hurry and […]

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And then our world fell apart

It is exactly a year ago today that Abi came downstairs looking pale and complained she felt really ill. Exactly a year since our world was turned upside down and inside out. I never really imagined what this day would be like, despite people telling me ‘all the anniversaries will be hard’. Anniversaries? Anniversaries are […]

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The fragility of life – when death comes knocking

In my blog, My grief observed, I wrote about death bringing the fragility of life to the forefront. When you hear of someone dying it makes you consider, even briefly, your own mortality. When it happens directly to someone you love, it often forces you to focus on your own life/health much more intensely, that […]

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Four months on… what is grief anyway?

[This blog was taken from notes I’d written whilst sat with Abi at the cemetery around 10th June 2013.] Four months on, is that right? Have I grieved? Have I even started…? What is the point of all that crying if at the end I still feel such deep and painful sorrow? Crying usually releases […]

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Water Bugs and Dragonflies

We came upon this story when preparing Abi’s funeral and the vicar read it out. We knew many people of all ages would be there and wanted a reading that everyone could understand and, hopefully, find comfort from.

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How many children does a bereaved mother have?

The note about what to write in a card to a grieving person in my last post seemed to strike a cord with some readers. Some recognised the uncertainty of what to do for the best, others realised they’d never considered how this simple gesture could be interpreted by the recipient, others recalled past occasions […]

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My grief observed… approaching the first anniversary

In this crazy first year as a grieving mother, I’ve learned an awful lot about bereavement. Far more than I expected to know at my age, having lost a child so suddenly. Just like many people, I was living in blissful ignorance of this feeling before my daughter died – oh, how I miss that! […]

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