When a friend is grieving, it’s hard to know what to do, how to act, what to say. It can be even harder for those friends who haven’t been through something like this themselves.
When my daughter died, I found myself drawn to friends who had experienced loss. Yet there’s something important I’ve noticed about the distinction between those of us who have been there and those of us who haven’t. That is comparison.
No two losses are the same
By our nature, we compare ourselves to others – our relationships, pregnancies, children’s milestones, jobs, homes, lives… we live by comparison. Grief is no different.
There’s a time following the death of a loved one where the bereaved are in limbo – this is the period that holds the shock, despair, trauma and strain of the loss.
This initial stage can be fuelled by anxiety, anger and fear. ‘No one on earth will understand what they are going through.’ This is where friends can offer the best support. Rather than stepping back, they should step forward.
Three ways you can help your grieving friend
- Let them talk it out – Offer to sit and listen, for hours, every day until that story has been told. The bereaved mum will have a chance to ‘own their grief story’ – to talk about it as though they are the only person to ever have lost someone they loved, to emphasise all the trauma and stress that has impacted them as a result of this loss, to cry and say how much they miss them… all without fear of affecting you, the listener’s, own grief experiences. This is their time.
- Keep your grief to yourself, for now – avoid burdening them with your own losses and problems, instead say few words, smile and lift their spirits a little. It’s their turn to be listened to.
- Keep in touch – It’s easy to feel pushed out by this huge grief elephant in your friendship, but don’t give up on them – they might not be up to doing much at the moment but the consistency of your friendship will help more than you know.
I created the Life, Without You grief journal to support people in the early weeks of loss. These make a sensitive and thoughtful gift for a bereaved friend as well as offering a talking point for you both – to share memories or small wins in the day. Read more about the journal here:
Chasing Dragonflies 