Talking to children about death is probably one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. Yet, it is a conversation most of us will be forced to have at some point in our lives. I certainly wasn’t prepared to tell my children their sister had died, and I quickly learned that the romantic way these moments are portrayed in the movies is misleading.
In National Grief Awareness Week (2nd to 8th December 2024) I have shared some of the key things I learned while supporting my own grieving children. While I’m certainly not an expert in the psychology of talking to children about death, I am experienced. When my daughter died aged 12, her sister was just 10 and her brother only 5 years old. As the person most important and influential in their lives, all of a sudden I had to become ‘an expert’ in talking to them about death – this being the first significant loss in our family in their living memories.
So, if you find yourself here, you too will be looking at ways to support a child following a bereavement.
Children are all different in how they process grief
When your child dies, the first thing you want to do is grab your other child/ren (or could be someone else you care for) and hold them as tight as you can – this isn’t always welcome and you’re forced to find a way to deal with that rather than imposing your own expectations of what grieving should look like on others. Honestly, this is so hard.
Of my two children I was told by ‘specialists’ that my 10 year old would be most affected and need more of my attention and explanation than my 5 year old, who likely wouldn’t know much of what was going on (to the point that they felt he would barely be affected at all!). Yet I found the reverse to be true. Time and again I had to explain to therapists how it worked for our family – not what their models told them.
Six ways to support a child who is grieving
Reflecting on speaking to my own children about death, here are my main tips:
- Recognise your differences – We each have our own experiences, fears and ways of dealing with loss that will affect how we communicate with others. Our children, too, will be at different stages in development and have different personalities – they might be talkers, criers, worriers, withdrawers, pretenders, protectors… I have found that children tend to take on these little roles that they feel would help themselves cope with what their minds can’t process.
- Put yourselves first – Put you and your child first, and deal with what is in front of you. If, for example, your child is crying and very upset, a quiet togetherness or gentle hug to soothe them would help more than talking in that moment. Or if you have an inquisitive child firing every question at you, then a walk and talk is often effective to break up the intensity.
- Be honest – When your child asks you a question, always be honest with them in an age-appropriate way while avoiding going into upsetting detail. This builds trust. I have also tried to be honest with them about my mixed emotions (something I struggle with!). I believe being as honest as we can about feeling difficult emotions like anger, for example, is important, to help them realise that their own emotions are valid, that our own anger isn’t their fault, and that it doesn’t make them a bad person to experience these feelings.
- Choose your words – This is quite tricky to avoid but it helps to be aware of the ways children think. Our daughter went into a coma and we had to be careful not to say she ‘fell asleep and couldn’t wake up’, so our children didn’t develop a phobia about sleep. Even seemingly comforting phrases like ‘she’s always with you, watching over you’ can unsettle a child or might confuse them. While they can certainly grasp the concept of heaven and belief, a truthful answer is usually better than a platitude.
- Use resources to help – Having the attention off the both of you and on another task, like reading or drawing, is an effective way to help children open up. As adults, we tend to think our child longs to talk to us for hours about their feelings, but that rarely happens. The child will likely say something relating to the death, but then just as you are getting excited about this deeply connecting moment, they say something random like “Why are flamingos pink?” And you will be shocked back into the normal kid chatter and gulping those tears back in.
- Speak to a specialist – If you are struggling during a particularly difficult time, specialist support is often more valuable to you than your child – and will help you to support your child more confidently. One to one support is more effective in my opinion than books or websites for specific help. There are numerous bereavement charities out there so have a look around and see if you can talk to someone who is expert in supporting bereaved children.
Do share in the comments what you found most helpful in talking to your child about death or dying or connect on Instagram at waterbugsanddragonflies
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