Supporting a bereaved parent at Christmas

This time of year can be fraught with emotion and grief for those who have lost loved ones, particularly if that death is of a child. For those whose birthdays are also this side of Christmas, it can seem like a double grief. Memories of Christmas past, thoughts of Christmas present, and worries for Christmas future. It is hard to find any joy in the season at all.

What I want to write about here is about supporting and loving a bereaved parent at Christmas. I have had some pretty rough Christmases I can tell you, since my daughter died. And I realised that some people didn’t understand it when I suddenly withdrew or found it hard to ‘join in’. So here are some things that might help to be aware of in case you see this in your own friend or family member.

Be prepared for them to withdraw

While you know that this time of year will be hard, when you see your loved one suddenly seem distant or burst into tears after a long time since their loss, it can seem somewhat odd. They were – are – OK. They’ve adjusted. Their life is changed but they seem to have recovered in the main.

Now it’s Christmas. Or now it’s their child’s birthday. Or now it’s the anniversary of the day their child died. Maybe it’s all those events at once. And they have become withdrawn, pale, grief-stricken. It’s been a while since you’ve seen them like this. It worries you. You might not know how to respond or what to say.

The sadness is healthy

But, I ask you not to fear this pain too much. It’s necessary you see. Grieving mothers and fathers sometimes need to open up the scar to let the pain they’ve held in out – and it can be triggered by the most random of things.

On the special days we might need a way to release the pain, love and sorrow we carry for our child. We often don’t expect it ourselves, it just happens – one minute laughing, the next hiding in the bathroom in tears. It’s our way of connecting with them again. It’s our way of being a ‘parent’ to them again, showing them that even though we have laughed and danced and acted relatively normally, we still miss them to our core.

Your presence counts for something

There’s no real way to reach someone on days like this, and don’t worry that you can’t, they don’t need you to make it better. But, unless they’ve told you expressly that they want to be alone, they will benefit from your presence, even if that is just a brief WhatsApp message. There is great comfort in that silent love that needs no words. It’s leaning on the strength of another to carry them through the days until the wound slowly closes over again.

Make it okay for them to just be

Whatever the grieving parent wants to comfort them in this season, they will need to feel able to take. Even if it’s just lying on the sofa staring into space, or sleeping, or watching daytime TV while everyone is out being sociable and ‘family’. And give it to them, with grace and love, and no expectations of ‘snapping out of it’ or ‘cheering up’. It’s not a time to take offence, or guilting them into spoiling the fun. The parent’s love-pain will soon travel from the wound in the pit of their stomach back up to the heart, and they will return to the present. But, right now, they just need to be.

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The Life, Without You journal has been sensitively created to help support a grieving person through aspects of their early grief journey. It makes a thoughtful gift when you simply don’t know what to give.

Including diary mood pages, sections to capture specific memories, comforting quotations and tips on the benefits of journalling, this keepsake will help to offload some of the complex emotions in mourning a loved one.

Find out more about the Life, Without You journal here.