In my morning sleep, the sleep before the day begins, I saw you

Clear, real, here

You were standing on the landing, in the doorway to our bedroom.

From my bed, I talked to you

Like I used to

You up and ready for the day

Me rousing from sleep

You looked a year or two older, taller too

Your hair still long and golden

Your face was beautiful

Luminous and radiant

xxx

In my sleepy haze you had never gone, it was just another day

I saw in detail your eyelashes, long and thick, your big blue eyes

You were there!

You were finishing getting dressed

You asked me if you looked okay

You looked amazing!

Almost too perfect…

xxx

It was then I remembered you were dead

that you weren’t supposed to be there

on the landing

I didn’t want to remember but I looked at you more closely

The shadows under your eyes were deeper and darker

The light on your face glowed unhumanly brighter

My stomach dropped as I remembered that you’d gone, that I was dreaming.

xxx

I didn’t want to lose this moment, so I asked to take a photo of you on my phone

You smiled, your voice was so pure and slow,

I cannot remember what you said

You posed… but I started to waken

No! Don’t wake up!

I want to be with you longer. Please don’t go yet… please!

I felt panicked as I knew what must happen

I woke

The landing was empty

I closed my eyes and looked for you again

But you’d gone.

xxx

You’re just a dream to me now

It burns my chest

I want to scream

I’m not allowed to cry

I’ve got to get your brother to school and dress the baby

I HAVE to get my head together

but the dream has shaken me.

xxx

I long for dreams of you, though they are the hardest reminder that you’re gone

In some ways I’m glad they don’t come often

Did you just pop in for a chat? Are you allowed to do that?

It felt so

Though, sweetheart, it made me miss you all the more…

xxx

And I was very blue all morning

Tears rolled as I gave your baby brother his porridge

He babbled and smiled

The tears dried but the pain lingered

I’m sorry, I will try to be happier about it

because, for those blissful moments,

you were home, with me, being you.