In my morning sleep, the sleep before the day begins, I saw you
Clear, real, here
You were standing on the landing, in the doorway to our bedroom.
From my bed, I talked to you
Like I used to
You up and ready for the day
Me rousing from sleep
You looked a year or two older, taller too
Your hair still long and golden
Your face was beautiful
Luminous and radiant
In my sleepy haze you had never gone, it was just another day
I saw in detail your eyelashes, long and thick, your big blue eyes
You were there!
You were finishing getting dressed
You asked me if you looked okay
You looked amazing!
Almost too perfect…
It was then I remembered you were dead
that you weren’t supposed to be there
on the landing
I didn’t want to remember but I looked at you more closely
The shadows under your eyes were deeper and darker
The light on your face glowed unhumanly brighter
My stomach dropped as I remembered that you’d gone, that I was dreaming.
I didn’t want to lose this moment, so I asked to take a photo of you on my phone
You smiled, your voice was so pure and slow,
I cannot remember what you said
You posed… but I started to waken
No! Don’t wake up!
I want to be with you longer. Please don’t go yet… please!
I felt panicked as I knew what must happen
The landing was empty
I closed my eyes and looked for you again
But you’d gone.
You’re just a dream to me now
It burns my chest
I want to scream
I’m not allowed to cry
I’ve got to get your brother to school and dress the baby
I HAVE to get my head together
but the dream has shaken me.
I long for dreams of you, though they are the hardest reminder that you’re gone
In some ways I’m glad they don’t come often
Did you just pop in for a chat? Are you allowed to do that?
It felt so
Though, sweetheart, it made me miss you all the more…
And I was very blue all morning
Tears rolled as I gave your baby brother his porridge
He babbled and smiled
The tears dried but the pain lingered
I’m sorry, I will try to be happier about it
because, for those blissful moments,
you were home, with me, being you.