As per my post earlier this month, most people will understand that this time of year is very difficult for me and trying to cope with Christmas festivities without Abi is something I (and my family) have again had to bear and get through.
New Year’s Eve is equally painful. I don’t even want to wish others a happy New Year as it feels so hard to say when I feel such grief that Abi isn’t here with us. I want to turn off all the social media updates. But I do wish us all not just a happy new year but a joyful one. One where we can all, despite our various problems and sorrows, see some joy in our lives this year.
So I don’t want to end this year by writing again about how sad I am, how hard I’m finding all this and how guilty I feel for laughing and crying… I want to share a chink of hope, and that hope comes in the form of a sunset.
The world seems to be a mixed-up place, I suppose it always has been. A striking sunset does not stop death, illness or war. It does not put food on the table, pay the bills, or stop us from coming down with ‘flu…
Scientifically speaking, a sunset is just air, clouds, lights floating together, yet, like a rainbow, a beautiful sunset is something remarkable to behold, if you really look. I see God and the hope of a new day in every one.
I don’t know why bad things happen to innocent people. I don’t know why we have to suffer so much in this life and watch others suffering. But I do know that God is good, and this world is an utterly amazing place.
Having hope doesn’t change grief, it certainly doesn’t make my grief ‘better’, but though my mind is deeply troubled because I have lost so much in my life that I love, and I sadly know many others who have too, this world still turns. This year will roll into the next, like sunset leads on to sunrise.
I wanted to capture tonight’s beautiful sky as this thought came to me… on 31st December 2014. I have amazing views of the sky on my way to the riding stables where my daughter has lessons, just minutes from my house.
I walked around the lane to find a decent view….
…I thought I’d missed my chance to capture it… but look what I saw when I turned the corner! No cropping, no filters, just the view as it was. Pure gold! A path like any other, but with a golden light leading to tomorrow.
I don’t want it to be another year without Abi. From tomorrow, I can no longer say ‘my daughter died last year’, which felt at least close enough to still mean something more than ‘the woman whose daughter died a few years back’. But I know that, in reality, the numbers don’t matter, what matters is how I live each day and that I can live each day in the comfort of our fortunate country, and with the spirit of Abi ever with me.
God bless you all this year, next year and always. And perhaps remember, even though tomorrow might not be much better than today, it can always bring hope in some way.