As the sun sets on New Year’s Eve, I see hope for tomorrow

As per my post earlier this month, most people will understand that this time of year is very difficult for me and trying to cope with Christmas festivities without Abi is something I (and my family) have again had to bear and get through. New Year's Eve is equally painful. I don't even want toContinue reading "As the sun sets on New Year’s Eve, I see hope for tomorrow"

What my grief would say if it could talk

Grief has become both my friend and my foe since Abi died… I need it to feel close to her, yet loathe it for taking over me. What would your grief say?

Leigh Kendall's avatarHeadspace Perspective

Hi, I’m Grief.

It’s nice to meet you.

I can f*ck off, it’s not nice to meet me…?

Well be like that then.

Oh, ok, I know no one ever welcomes my arrival. As if losing your loved one isn’t enough torment, as if living without the person you loved so dearly isn’t quite bad enough, I come along and make sure your life is well and truly screwed up.

You cannot see me, smell me, touch me, or hear me, but I will crawl in to your body, make my presence known from the top of your head to the tip of your toes.

I will flow with the blood through your veins, seep through every pore.

I am a dense fog that lingers in front of your eyes, makes you feel drugged, exhausts you with the effort of carrying me around, makes you wonder who you are. Everything you…

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Coping with Christmas after the death of your child

I'm aware I've not written since Abi's birthday, and there's a reason. Like last year, I've found myself lost in a blur of grief and unable to write at all. It's almost like there is so much to say that it's impossible to write clearly. Sometimes I find that life is back in focus andContinue reading "Coping with Christmas after the death of your child"

You are my sunshine – a birthday poem

My darling Abi, I recall you lying on your changing mat when you were a tiny baby Those early months just you and me while Daddy was at work Finding my feet with this miraculous little person Who had grown inside me for nine months I found I would sing ‘You are my sunshine’ toContinue reading "You are my sunshine – a birthday poem"

The final prognosis

On the morning of Saturday, 9th February, we were allowed into PICU while the doctors did their formal assessment of Abi’s condition. We knew these were ‘last chance’ tests. Abi had been in a coma for over 48 hours. She’d shown very little response since her collapse other than coughing a couple of times andContinue reading "The final prognosis"

I dreamt of you

In my morning sleep, the sleep before the day begins, I saw you Clear, real, here You were standing on the landing, in the doorway to our bedroom. From my bed, I talked to you Like I used to You up and ready for the day Me rousing from sleep You looked a year orContinue reading "I dreamt of you"

A knot of hair

Abi was transferred into Bristol Children’s Hospital the afternoon of Friday, 8th February. We were introduced to another consultant, who told us that they were going to ‘start from scratch’ the next day, give her the night to settle in and then assess her entire situation in the morning. We felt bolstered by this. ItContinue reading "A knot of hair"

Clinging to hope

On the morning of Friday, 8th February, Abi had another CT scan – her first scan after the two operations. Taking her for this scan wasn’t a quick process for the care team; just to move her to the scanning room was a major task as all the equipment had to go with her. WeContinue reading "Clinging to hope"

Intensive care … is intense

Seeing your child in intensive care is a scary prospect, it’s not called ‘intensive’ for nothing! The machines are the first thing that you notice, but you know that every wire and machine is there for a very good reason so they become less daunting after a while. I almost got used to them, evenContinue reading "Intensive care … is intense"

The significance of memorial flowers

Today is Remembrance Day and war memorials all over the country are displaying poppy wreaths in memory of those who lost their lives serving our country. The Tower of London featured a magnificent and moving poppy tribute this year. It got me thinking about the symbolism of memorial flowers and what that means to meContinue reading "The significance of memorial flowers"