Does it get any easier? Grief five years on

I somehow thought it would be easier to grieve as the years passed.

I feel I need a badge or something.

I’ve survived five years.

I’ve moved into the second stage grief club… that’s for the more experienced grief survivors. The ones who are asked and can give advice to the unfortunate newbies.

But at five years I’m still sad. I still miss her. The memories aren’t as fresh, but they are still there.

The other day, I sat with an elderly man, in his eighties, and we shared the usual small talk about ourselves and family. While pleasant enough, he was a man of few words. He didn’t often make eye contact and appeared to want to keep himself to himself. His answers brief and clipped.

As I gabbled on, to fill the awkward silences, as I tend to do, talking briskly about my children there came the inevitable time when I had to mention Abi. My daughter who died aged 12.

He looked right at me. He dropped his gaze again and ever so softly that I could barely hear revealed he too had a lost child. A child he hadn’t mentioned to that point. His child died around 35 years ago, aged just 17. The middle child.

My heart opened up to him then, my perspective changed, knowing he has lived not just five years but a lifetime of grieving.

I didn’t care about etiquette then. I gently laid my hand on his thin, frail hand and he looked at me again. With tears in my eyes for both of us, I said simply, “I’m so sorry.”

He continued to look at me, sightly stunned. A delayed reaction of a man who rarely mentions the child who died.

His grief and mine were very different. He went on to say they were advised at the time not to grieve forever, he felt his child wouldn’t want him to. Even so, the pain of childloss was still there and could be brought to the surface in a moment. From what he said of his other children, the impact was still felt, unsaid, the family forever scarred by loss.

I’m not over it. I’m living with it, and I suppose pretty well. I’m working, creating, homemaking. I’m still a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I’m still me but behind my eyes and in my heart is the small hole pierced by the sword of grief.

On special days, memorable days, I cry. The memories press into my present mind asking to be replayed. I start them, but then find it too much.

I miss her so, so much…

390577_10151422378970966_1636433800_n

I miss the child her and the young adult her. I miss everything about her.

I remember it all. Her being alive, her dying, her being gone. I haven’t forgotten the sound of her voice, her quirky mannerisms, the infectious energy she seemed to radiate. I treasure those memories and hope, when I’m in my eighties, IΒ  will be able to talk about her the same way I do now.

I’d love to tell you that it gets better. It doesn’t, not really, but it gets a little easier with time. But just because this is part of you now, that’s no reason to give up, to succumb to the despair. Grief may be part of my story, but it’s not my whole story. I take comfort knowing she is safe, with Jesus, and also that Jesus is with me. So we can never truly be apart.

Related posts

The 3rd year anniversaryΒ 
The 1st year anniversary

4 thoughts on “Does it get any easier? Grief five years on

  1. Next month it will be 9 years since my son died. I can only say that I am in disbelief that grief didn’t kill me. From time to time, I have heard people say, “I would just die if any of my children died.” Well, guess what. You don’t.

    My circumstances are different than yours…but not. Loss of a child can never be entirely healed this side of Heaven. Time wears on and we survive. hopefully, growing in our faith. Most days are taken over by routine but in a moment it can turn into yesterday…..gutwrenching sobs that render me longing for days I can never have back. I can say that this sorrow has softened because my faith has toughened. I am not afraid of death but I know that our children are more alive than you and me. We will be reunited. For right now we are traveling towards that reunion and new life with our children and Jesus Christ. Life will be forever perfect then. God bless you.

  2. This post is heartbreaking in honesty. I am very touched by your words and remember well feeling hopeless after five years.
    You have made amazing strides in surviving grief. After five years I was also incredulous that I survived the nightmare of grief. I never expected to find joy again, but it did come to me many years later.
    I am glad you are writing about your journey. It is a gift to others who are not as far along as you – to know that survival is possible.
    You will never forget her and the love stays with you forever.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s